WikiWhat? I Look Things Up, Then Write About Them (Episode 4: Gay Dolphins)

Today is Gay Pride Day. It’s the day where them gay queer homosexual types from all over the world descend in a fabulously evil swarm to New York’s West Village and lip-synch to Diana Ross, dress like they’ve got a bit part in a John Waters film, and destroy the very fabric of Western culture.

Well, some of them do that.

Others spike their hair and listen to Ani DiFranco and do carpentry. Actually, I also do that every so often, and it doesn’t have to be some kind of holiday for me to enjoy a little “Untouchable Face.”

Still other versions of ‘those types’ just sit around… lightly… wearing loafers… play Words with Friends and drink iced coffee. I hear some others don’t do anything at all because until more recently they felt marginalized by the LGBT subculture and felt as though there’s no need for artificial delineation’s of humans beings based on how much you like Liza Minnelli.1

There are also people who are ‘pansexual’ and ‘polyamorous’, dress in unicorn costumes, eat ambrosia salad, and go to events like Burning Man, Chemistry, or Cuddle Parties, but these people are just straight-up weirdos.

Dolphins, on the other hand, have a hard-time using movie cameras, and therein lies the reason for the paucity of dolphin cinematography. On the other flipper, if there were dolphin cinematography, there’d likely be a lot of dolphin gay porn films, because as everyone without a blowhole knows, those fish like to fuck.

Sorry. Those cetaceans like to fuck.

Wiki says,

Dolphins are known to have sex for reasons other than reproduction, sometimes also engaging in homosexual behavior. Various species sometimes engage in sexual behavior including copulation with other dolphin species. Sexual encounters may be violent, with male dolphins sometimes showing aggressive behavior towards both females and other males. Occasionally, dolphins behave sexually towards other animals, including humans.

Um, other dolphin species? Siiiiick. And wait a minute…. dolphins have sex with people?!? Are you trying to tell me that,


Dolphins Rape People!?!

Listen, I don’t know if I can handle this. When I started this WikiWhat? thing, it was to learn and discuss the world around me, to offer my unique and profound perspective to the poor, huddled masses, enlighten them and usher Humanity to the next level of development, but now I learn that DOLPHINS RAPE PEOPLE!?!

I mean, the only reason I’m writing about dolphins at all is because some ‘activist’ girl wrote me and suggested the topic because she loves the animals. I love the animals too, but I don’t love the animals!2

As we learned from yesterday’s post, homo sapiens (which is latin for ‘gay monkeys’) engage in all sorts of terrible misanthropic behaviors. We even eat and torture animals, which of course, disgusts Bill Maher, as it probably should.3

The problem is, apparently so do dolphins! Oh man, now I’m all confused…

So, the cute, smart animals are also evil? Sadism is a part of all of us? What do to?!

I’d like to say, ‘make love not war’ but then we get into hippy myopia, and while that can be fun for a while, I might end up with a pony tail in a couple of years, and I think that might be worse than being raped by a dolphin.

Here’s the thing about dolphins and gay people, I bet they have about the same attention span as I do, which is why I need to wrap up this post.

What did we learn today? That there are a lot of different kinds of people and dolphins, and anything that increases general positivity among and between humans and dolphins should be encouraged. Also, consensual sex is all good. Rape, not so much.

And for my next trick, I will leave you with the following video…

Listen to your heart, people. Unless it tells you to rape through series of high-pitched clicks and squeaks.

1 I had to look up how to spell Liza, thus proving, without a shred of doubt, my straightness.

2 Although, admittedly, if you can prove that the animal consents to the sexual activity, I can’t, on purely ethical grounds, object, if you’re into that kind of thing. Additionally, that activist girl suggested I watch this movie and help save those wet rapey bastards.

3 Um. Well. I do like to eat animals. It’s a problem.

If you’d like to offer topic suggestions, please email


1 thought on “WikiWhat? I Look Things Up, Then Write About Them (Episode 4: Gay Dolphins)”

  1. Alright jackass,
    I suggested that you write your blog about the awful things that are happening to dolphins. You know, the slaughtering and capturing of innocent dolphins; not their homosexual behavior. What is the point of taking suggestions if you don’t actually take them? I will admit you are an obnoxiously talented writer. So, as much as it pains me to say this; nice blog… you asshole.

    -Some Activist Girl

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