Drunkenhood and Humblepie: A Broke, Single Man’s Cookbook (Recipe #2: Something from Nothing Turkey Stuffing)

It’s been two days now since my last recipe. This time I’m gonna get a little funky! (cue George Clinton!)

Recipe #2: Something From Nothing (Turkey Stuffing)

1. Take the leftover, over-cooked rice from the Ham Stuff (Recipe #1), and add some water in a medium sauce pan, put over high heat.
2. Add the contents of two Earl Grey tea bags into the mix.
3. Add some more cinnamon (yes!) and a tablespoon of granulated brown sugar. Listen to the Stones.
4. Bring to a boil, cover and simmer for 20 minutes… there’s a tiny bit of ham still in the mix here, but I think if I boil it enough it’ll end up basically turning into a lard or butter like situation, so I’m leaving it in.
5. Move out of the way because your roommate is using the sink (annoying!).
6. Feel bad about being passive-aggressive in Step 5.
7. Take out some leftover wheat bread that accidentally got wet one day that you put in the freezer… let it thaw a little.
8. Play Words with Friends.
9. This is shaping up to look like stuffing that would be good for the next installment of Pearl Necklace with Cheryl Wolf, so I’m going to do that.
10. Preheat the oven to… 250 degrees.
11. Now that the rice has started to breakdown, the liquid in the sauce pan is pretty thin. I’m going to add a bit more water (basically doubling the volume), cinnamon, sugar, a pinch of black pepper and sea salt, and some dried parsley, bring back to a boil, simmer for 20 minutes more.
12. It’s at a rolling boil… Turning it down to a low simmer now, uncovered to cook off some of the liquid.
13. I’m going to ad bits of the frozen wheat bread that’s been thawing. I’m adding in enough to soak in the mix and take up the space of the pan, but not more.
14. I’m stirring in a large handful of raisins to the mix.
15. I’m taking it off the heat for a few more minutes, gonna let it sit and congeal. It looks like this could be, at the moment, some kind of bread pudding.
16. I’m going to grease a large baking pan with margarine now…
17. Spread the mixture evenly into the greased baking pan. Some of the mixture was caramelized at the bottom of the pan I scraped it out with a spoon and spread it throughout the mix on the pan.
18. Bake in the oven until crispy… (My pan is slightly too big for the oven, so I left the door slightly open, which also makes it smell real great in the apartment!)
19. More words with friends, more Stones.
20. Do a little dance.
21. Stuff looks like it’s drying up, I’m gonna mix it around a bit to avoid uneven drying.
22. Get mildly annoyed because there is not enough counter space, and then think “Oh damn, I’m turning into my mother.”
23. Listen to some Buddy Holly and think, “Oh man, I’m turning into my dad.”
24. Realize that I’m basically both of them at the same time and lament the fact that I don’t have a girlfriend.
25. Stop thinking about that crap, and play more Words with Friends.
26. Get a little sad, because Buddy Holly was pretty great.
27. Be grateful that Elvis Costello picked up the slack and kept it going and is still around!
28. Think about getting a pair of those glasses, for the fun of it even though I might annoy people who actually need glasses.
29. Listen to

Do the robot! (Annoy/Weird out roommate!)
30. This is taking too long, so I’m turning it up to 325, dammit!
31. OK, that was about 1 and a half hours. The stuff is dry-ish. I’m going to let it cool for a bit then put into the fridge to dry even more.
32. After it dries, it’ll go into a leftover, empty penne box and stored until use!

(The Next Day) Ok, so it’s the next day, and really this stuffing is NOT dry yet, so I’ve found a cookie sheet and spread it out on that, putting it back into the oven on real low and checking it every 15 minutes or so until it’s crispy dry, but not burnt…


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